Happy Valentine’s Day to all who celebrate. It looks nice.

I don’t have a Valentine this year. I got closer to having one this year than any time in recent memory but we had a conversation last night that made clear continuing this would be in direct opposition to my self respect. Another one bites the dust. Year 5 of being alone on Valentine’s Day ✅

I can’t say I feel sad anymore. Or at least the sadness isn’t that sharp, all encompassing pain I used to experience. It feels like more of the same. I’m very used to this. I’ve become very experienced with things not going my way.

Almost nothing is going the way I planned it in my life. COVID disintegrated the industry my dream job was in. When I pivoted to tech the post COVID economy leveled that one out too. I wanted to be married at 27 but I haven’t gotten beyond a talking stage in 5 years. I’ll be 28 in 6 months. I never wanted to stay in California when I moved back and here I am in my 5th year. I’ve hit income-earning goals and even soared beyond them in a moment of triumph and come crashing back down draining all the gains I made in that time trying to break my fall. I make less than half right now than I did at this point last year. I don’t look or feel the way I want to. I don’t have many of the things I want to.

I zoom out into the world and hate what I see. So much wickedness in the world, so little individual power to change it, and so little collective consciousness to move into better. I find most of my mental energy being spent accepting the things I can’t change or mustering up the energy to change the things I can because I was so deeply unsatisfied with the state of my own life and this world. The joy I do find is in the journey of trying to better this mess of a life. I know that framing is flawed but it’s where I am.

And it’s where so many Gen Z and Zillennials are. So deeply unsatisfied with the world and our place in it. So deeply upset with those older than us that seem to not understand. I had a conversation with a mentor recently that I realized couldn’t see me and it broke my heart. It’s isolating in this world that has changed so much so quickly that it has become even more challenging than usual to communicate cross generationally.

AND YET!!!!!!!! What a privilege to be alive at a time when you cannot shut your eyes and ignore your deepest truths. The economy hardly supports you taking the path well traveled anymore - regular job, regular life, regular retirement, etc. You might as well go fucking do the thing! Everything is falling to shit anyway, do what your heart desires. The hero’s journey is more clearly laid before you than ever.

This week I’m reading and watching content from people who can relate.